From Collapse to Awakening: A Journey Through Depression, Disconnection, and Something Stranger

Just under five years ago, my life quietly detonated. I ended a relationship that had spanned decades — a core pillar of my identity — and I fell hard into what I can only describe as a black hole of depression.

At the worst of it, I sat in a chair for 14 hours a day, not eating, not speaking, not sleeping. I wasn’t scrolling endlessly on my phone or numbing out to Netflix. I was simply… sitting. For a full week. No stimulation. No hunger. No sense of time. Just a silent implosion of my internal world.

I lost weight rapidly and drifted into a kind of dreamlike state. It was more than sadness — it was like my mind had detached from the scaffolding of reality. Not sleeping for days on end is not a romantic suffering. It is a neurological assault. Don’t try it.

The Shift

What pulled me out? It’s going to sound strange. I messaged an old love — someone I’d thought about for years. I poured my heart out. Told her what I was going through, what I still felt. It was irrational, intrusive, and probably deeply confusing for her. But it cracked something open in me.

From catatonic silence, I was suddenly flooded with joy, longing, hope — all the buried emotions from my past life, now surging through in high definition. It was messy and ecstatic and completely unhinged. But it was life.

Was it a manic break? Possibly. But it was better than death-by-depression.

Rewiring Myself

During this phase, I made a series of radical lifestyle changes. I quit weed. Deleted my games. Started exercising. I dropped kilos. My entire relationship to food changed. I remember eating a dry slice of brown bread — unbuttered — and being overwhelmed by how rich it tasted. It took weeks before I dared eat pizza again.

At one point, I went walking in the bush with my dog and had what I can only describe as a religious experience. A shaft of sunlight hit a cluster of leaves as he bounded past, and I wept with gratitude that such beauty existed. The trees, the animals, the silence — it felt like they were sheltering me. Even now, I feel protected by the bush. Don’t ask me to explain it — I can’t.

And Then… It Got Weird

Flush with emotional energy, I contacted another long-lost love. That’s when things took a surreal turn. Her Facebook messages began fluctuating wildly — warm and affectionate one moment, cold and hostile the next. I started to suspect something else was going on.

Some messages mirrored what a mutual friend had said. The language and tone kept shifting. Was it really her? Was someone else using her account? My mind, still fragile, couldn't make sense of it. The emotional whiplash — flipping from euphoric joy to gut-wrenching dread in minutes — was unbearable.

Eventually, I lashed out. Told her to get lost. She blocked me — one of many times.

Shortly after, a Facebook profile called Morgan Alice popped up. The name rang bells (Luther fans will get it). She was charming. Engaging. Familiar. I assumed it was part of the same strange drama. Maybe my ex in disguise. Maybe something else. I talked to “Morgs” anyway. Why not? What was real, anymore?

Patterns, Advertisements, and the NLP Rabbit Hole

Around this time, I noticed something else — the ads I was seeing had changed. They weren’t just targeted, they were thematically consistent. It was like someone — or something — was trying to guide me.

I started seeing promos for NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), healing modalities, crypto, cybersecurity, wellness retreats. Eventually, I attended a few workshops and signed up for an NLP course.

Let me tell you now: that was a whole new chapter. One I’ll share more about in upcoming posts.

What’s Coming Next

I’ve seen things since then that cracked open my perception of reality. I don’t say this lightly. Many of the strange, vague feelings you might have about the world — the fragmentation, the sense that something’s off — I’ve encountered explanations for.

Some of them are fascinating. Some are terrifying. Some are almost beautiful.

If you’re curious — if any part of this resonates — subscribe.

This newsletter is a breadcrumb trail. I’m not saying I have all the answers. But I’ve stumbled into a few rooms where they’re written on the walls.

Let’s see where it goes.